i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
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It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
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"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize