1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
