Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
