you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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