Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
