I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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