if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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