If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
