I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
