Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
