I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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