Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Randomize
