sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
