Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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