Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
