i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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