Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
