I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
