Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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