I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
