Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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