You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
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today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
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Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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