He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
