What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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