i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
