Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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