do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
