some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
