she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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