Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
