Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
