just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
