i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
