i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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