i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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