so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
