We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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