There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
