he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
