I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
