If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
