i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
