Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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