i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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