you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
