did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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