I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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