he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize