Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
