i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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