Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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