dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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