Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
