new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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