I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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