Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
